Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
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Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.