WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
You Might Also Like
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”