[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
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We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
馃幎I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair馃幎
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I鈥檓 ready for Halloween this year
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Life cycle of cat
Looking at you, Jesus.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“Don’t kid yourself.”
鈥攂irth control advert
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i鈥檝e seen jaws 3.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 馃檹
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it鈥檚 soft
*gets b潭e潭t潭t潭e潭r潭 bitter with age*
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT鈥橲 IT. I鈥橫 GOING HOME.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock