My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
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Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body