I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Always a metermaid never a meter
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.