When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
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My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.