I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them