Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Hey i am sexy to you now
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.