Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Barbie gone wild
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby