[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
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I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
dutch so unserious
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
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If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Remember folks 😂
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.