Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
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If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
💻🤡
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm