Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?