If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
You Might Also Like
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either