I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Well, that should do it
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT