Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
😂 amazing answer
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
i can’t wait that long
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.