Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
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ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Welcome to the stomach
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
is there nothing we can trust anymore
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day