When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
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Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah