aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
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that’s really how it is
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Bless you
The human body is 70% water and 30% land