me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
You Might Also Like
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Life cycle of cat
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Oh boy, $150,000!
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.