I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
You Might Also Like
s
oc
i
a
l
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕