Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
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Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.