My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
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Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I didn’t come here to be called names
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
first you must answer his riddles
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
lol