you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
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My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.