1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
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Every photo I’m tagged in
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.