waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
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*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.