[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
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“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.