“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
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I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.