Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
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I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
The best shot in the history of golf
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Muppet Screams
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.