Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
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Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
🛁
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997