I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?