You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
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Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
*looks at you in batman voice*
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Its true…
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.