My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
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I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.