Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
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My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.