I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
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Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.