[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
You Might Also Like
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture