and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
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Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
This dude got his own movie?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
We all have our pet causes.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”