As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
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[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Not today, today.
Not today.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[eulogy]
line?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different