do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
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My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Lmao
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
New menu item
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy: