so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
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DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.