Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
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If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Here’s a meme
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.