Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
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[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter