Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
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“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
ready to be harvested
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that