Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
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Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
But wait…
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions