Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I really had high hopes for this year though
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”