I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
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Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I created you as mosquito food.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.