There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.