My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
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This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.