Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em