remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
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A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Google assistant rules
Twitter remains undefeated
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day