Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
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Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!